My ugly truth of becoming a mother in Physical Therapy School

I gave birth to my 1st daughter when I was in physical therapy school. The mom I am now cringes at the thought of what I put myself through because that is what I thought I needed to do. Society told me that a strong and successful woman could manage both and should do both. I wanted to be that strong and successful woman and figured nothing could stop me. Three babies and 6 years later I absolutely hate that I put myself and my daughter through that. 

I gave birth to my daughter over winter break during my 2nd year in school. I had 2 weeks before I returned to classes and clinicals and the demands of the program. When that little human came out of me, my brain and body exploded in a love I had never experienced and it was all consuming. I wanted to drink in every minute with her, but instead I was a neurotic mess trying to learn how to raise a baby and be a student in a doctoral program. 

I could not hear what my mind, heart, and body needed because my entire life has been a practice at ignoring these things to succeed as a woman, an athlete, and a member of the military. I didn’t sleep for weeks straight because I was so consumed by everything that needed to be done. I cried daily, often multiple times a day for months (seriously it was 6 months before I made it through a day without crying). I had perpetual clogs and mastitis from the obsessive need to have something healthy for my baby since I was always absent. I think I felt like breast milk was the one good thing I could provide since I was an absent mother. I bled for over 12 weeks and had on/off bleeding for 5 months because I never rested. Everything I did was what I thought I needed to do, but it all felt so wrong. 

The moment that broke me, was when I asked my program if I could attend a class from home to be with my baby. The class was first thing in the morning and taught by a remote professor. I could easily commute after the class and make it in and then I would have a few more hours of baby time. I was told “No” because they didn’t want to set a precedent. A precedent for all the mom’s with 2 week old babies? I would stand there in class trying to take notes, but I would just be crying with such a deep yearning to see my baby. God I can still feel it as I write this. I would also watch as other students would log in because they were out sick. That “no” when I was so vulnerable broke my spirit. How could a program run by women not understand that deep longing for any extra minute with your baby? How could all these women not remember how vulnerable you are during your early postpartum time and not offer more support? How could a program supposedly focused on healing not prioritize the needs of a mom and baby? I am not sure if I will ever understand that decision.

My husband went to Georgetown University for a graduate program. He was allowed to bring our daughter to class, to lectures, on field trips. He was wholly supported. Honestly, if it wasn’t for his understanding program I am not sure we would have made it. That fact is seriously F*cked up, but pretty much aligns with how we view and support mothers in America. 

I am thankful that over the years my inner voice has become much louder and I can now see how toxic most of our institutions are. It was this inner voice that drove me to leave standard healthcare and start my own business. Now I create what feels right as a provider and as a mother. 

As a provider, I have created a safe space where I listen and help people find the path and answer that is right for them. I educate, but let people make decisions on how to implement change into their lives. That feels right to me!

As a mother, I didn’t send my daughter to daycare this time. I am so lucky to have family close by. I run to her at lunch and exclusively breastfeed. I co-sleep, wear her or carry her often, plop her on the ground and not in containers, and keep listening in for our next steps together. 

I am still angry at my school, but I often wonder if my inner voice would be this loud if it wasn’t for having to navigate so many toxic institutions.